MASTERMIND

I put You to my test;
Yes, I judge and scrutinize Jesus.
No, please don't get me wrong,
it isn't a bad thing or "sin" to examine everything.
Not even Your creator and His happenings.
"Test me in this,” says the Lord Almighty,"
says Malachi 3:10a.

So I did.

Why, the gift to think and consider,
is given from above to be used for above.

If we think that we're regular products of procreations,
If we're unaware that we are made of unrealistic phenomena,
If we've forgotten no knowledge and science yet found can explain our existence,
we forgot who created us.
We forgot what we were created for.

I scrutinize and learn about You, Jesus,
and all the things You do.
Forgive me, I've been a mean critic indeed;
I provide for You no bias or tolerance factor.
Back then I put You equal to all variables - life, knowledge, supernatural happenings;
My independent variable: existence.
My dependent variables: procreation, safety, natural instinct, supernatural happenings, knowledge, Jesus.
You were nothing but my dependent criteria.

Firstly I doubt,
but then I gained shocking understanding.

I put Your words to my realm and put everything else to test,
I put my life timeline on the table
and double-check, cross-examine it;
in the hope my faith will not be made of false hopes and formed of extraordinary events,
but the other way around.
And hopefully my life is of great contemplation,
that my experience of You stand firm in faith and understanding of the Scripture.

I put You to my test,
to find out
You were the mastermind of the project itself.



-SK

Dear Jesus

Dear Jesus,
You are a good shepperd.
Well I am no lamb, but You still are,
because a lamb is weak, and that's what I am,
I'm a wimp.
But you are kind, and you are always patient with me.
More than patient, actually.

Dear Jesus,
You're always the first person I turn into.
It's sad that I can only speak to You in prayers, sometimes prayers drive me crazy,
even statuses like these drive me crazy,
like who talks into air.
I know I do look like I'm talking into air.
It's weird making announcements like these,
cos I wanna tell You how good You are,
but You sit there nice and pretty,
like "Thanks, I know I am" hahaha.
Everyone else ought to know that You are, too.

Dear Jesus,
You know I hug people that I love.
It sucks to know that You can't give me a good hug right now, cos I'm in a mess,
well I know I can't hug a God.
But it's really good to know and feel myself
that You are a very good Father.

Dear Jesus,
Your omnipresence scares me sometimes.
You're always there.
Damn.
Like santa, when I'm good or bad.
But You never get upset at my frustrations.
You do know my limits.
Srsly, You know it too well,
and that's a good, and bad thing hahaha,
You like to push me into the very edges of it so I'll grow.
Thanks for it, though.

Dear Jesus,
You are reaaaaaally patient.
You never get mad whenever I speak to You.
Like, whenever.
I mean, w.h.e.n.e.v.e.r.
I'm such a horrible daughter.
I wake at midnights literally yelling at You.
I turn at afternoons to have a talk with You.
Noons,
Dawns,
Every frickin time of the day.
You listen to my prayers and I do feel it,
even when sometimes I swear, I cuss, I pour my emotions out at You.
I'm grateful You don't duct tape me straight away.
You listen to me anyway.
And really You do answer prayers.
I've learnt Your style by now,
You don't do instant stuff.
You want process.
So I'm learning to undergo all process You give me.

Dear Jesus,
You ain't needing no beauty sleep.
Whenever I wake at midnight,
I call to You,
and You're always there.
Dayum Jesus.
I bet You're strong af, and patient too watching me sleeping.

Dear Jesus,
What would I do without You.
People may call me crazy
for loving a spectre,
for having an absolute faith in a non-palpable, non-touchable being.
But people also do not undergo what I went through with You,
You've saved me too many times,
secured my ground too often,
You're too real for me to say that You are nonexistent.
You are there.
They just do not know the essence of being with You, yet.

Dear Jesus,
These years walking with You,
You're like fire.
You're really warm,
sometimes You burn the hell outta me.
But more often than not,
You really purify me.
You make me sincere.
Thanks for helping me in that.

Dear Jesus,
You're a humorist one.
Whenever I say "Thanks for Your help, but I think I can do it without You"
I can almost hear it in my ears
"Okay, goodluck to you."
And fck, I screw everytime.
I feel ashamed that I am stupid enough to completely trust myself.
I can't even drive straight and pretty.
Why would I trust myself to decide anything when My Creator is waiting for me to trust Him instead.

Dear Jesus,
You are my bestfriend.
You are the only one I trust,
and the only one I never mind bothering.
Thankyou for never changing,
and thank you for being there for me,
in my past,
in my present,
and for standing in my future already.

Fly

I will live long enough

and develop strength enough

and be fruitful enough

to be the real proof

that even the broken-winged birds can fly.

Now I Know

Now I know,

that through absence of love

You teach me how to love unconditionally.

In the time of war,

through absence of peace

You teach me to stay sovereign in the storm.

In the time of darkness,

through absence of sun

You teach me to appreciate small cracks of light in the darkest clouds.

In my time of weakness,

through absence of human power

You teach me to rely entirely on You.

In my hardest times,

In the moments I feel most powerless

The moments I feel most fragile

The moments I feel most alone

I know, Lord

that You are the most present.

You (Are My Muse)

You

You are special, my boo

You really are

In my life, there hasn't been anyone

quite like you

You make me feel

butterflies in my stomach

You fill me with your love,

like an empty cup

little by little made full

You make my mind work like a drug addict's

dopamine rushing through

making me can't have enough of you

It scares me sometimes

to fully try to understand

what you're doing to me

But a lover and protector you are,

oxytocine surges and calms me

everytime I put my arms around you

You are someone

my mind always ponders about

Your presence and company

never ceases to make you worth my while

You make me think of our days ahead together,

"Our" days ahead,

a tower I was always scared of building before

because I haven't had enough mortar

throughout all my life collecting;

Funnily, you

are the producer of the mortar itself (heehee).

Just kidding my dear

Truthfully said, you constantly give me substantial meaning to love you.

Please stay with me, love

I'll be whole being with no one else

because if you ask me

"Do you love me?"

I try to provide you real measurement, my dear

I can't grasp, touch, take love and show it you

But one thing I know

Everytime I look at my future,

You are already standing there.

You

You are my melody

Wherever I go, you're always around

You are my every lyric

to every single song that ever touches me

and changes me never the same

You are my beat

Beat to the song, beat to my heart

You are my voice

One of the reasons why I'm still capable of whole-heartedly singing.

You are

You are my everything

You are my muse {}

March 14th, 2016

Happy White Day, dear ❤️

From: Sheilla Khonada

To: Kevin Edro